


measuring dicks (the hot off the presses mix)

by QueenWithABeeThrone



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Epistolary, In-Universe Review, M/M, News Media, POV Outsider, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26266453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWithABeeThrone/pseuds/QueenWithABeeThrone
Summary: It’s been something of a rollercoaster year for Tozier, between the on-stage breakdown, the coming out, the secret husband, the ghostwriter reveal, and now this comeback special.or: a review of Richie Tozier's newest comedy special.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 183
Collections: Derry Remixed 2020





	measuring dicks (the hot off the presses mix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notalone91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalone91/gifts).
  * Inspired by [You're Lucky We're Not Measuring-- RICHIE!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263754) by [notalone91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalone91/pseuds/notalone91). 



> I hope you like this, notalone91! I wanted to do something new with Richie's comedy routine, and then it hit me that I could write it like a reviewer.
> 
> Jessica McGuire is entirely my own invention and really just an excuse for me to write about Richie's comedy like it exists and I watched it. it was so fun!

**Richie Tozier Comes Clean In _Measuring Dicks_**  
_by Jessica McGuire_

_[IMAGE: A picture of Richie Tozier midway through a stand-up comedy routine. He’s wearing a dark blazer and a shirt that reads “I Grew Up In Derry And All I Got Was Traumatized”, and has tilted the microphone stand to the side as he acts out a scene in a story he’s telling.]_

“So you know how when you’re 13 years old, and a deeply repressed, grade-A asshole who wears Hawaiian shirts and coke-bottle glasses, you end up falling for your best friend?” And so begins Richie Tozier’s newest special, _Measuring Dicks_ , a characteristically foul-mouthed journey through the comedian’s heretofore unknown childhood.

It’s been something of a rollercoaster year for Tozier, between the on-stage breakdown, the coming out, the secret husband, the ghostwriter reveal, and now this comeback special. Leading up to its release, many critics shared their doubts about Tozier being able to stand on his own after so long spent relying on a ghostwriter. “I’ll be pleasantly surprised if Tozier’s comeback does anything more than fizzle out onstage,” was the concluding remark of pop culture writer Harlan Cooper, of Vulture. I have to admit, so was I. Tozier’s career seemed, if not finished, then at least fast on its way there, with all the revelations dropping hard and fast. Most people shared this same opinion, and others went so far as to question the need for yet another Richie Tozier special, as seen in this now-viral tweet:

 **karen page is a badass**  
_@karenpaged_  
lol do we really need Richie Tozier spewing more ghostwritten trash onstage the man hasn’t written anything original in ten years and he won’t start now

Needless to say, many people came into Tozier’s previews with very low expectations. I myself had thought he would fall back on the tried and tested Trashmouth persona, only with a gay flavoring to appeal to the queer community. I could not have been more wrong.

_[IMAGE: Richie Tozier onstage, seen from a side angle. He’s leaning on the microphone stand, pretending to fan himself as he speaks.]_

Certainly, Tozier is as foul-mouthed as ever, and his special is rife with his characteristic gross-out humor (which takes some warming up to). But he breaks away from paths paved by comedians like Louis CK and Daniel Tosh for a more personal, confessional style, tinged with self-deprecation and reminiscent of Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette and Patton Oswalt’s Annihilation (with a dash of Ali Wong for fun). Tozier, famous for sidestepping questions about his childhood, finally opens up about his turbulent childhood in a small town in rural Maine, illustrating the highs and lows of living in small towns while a closeted queer. “It just so happens that we lived in the murder capital of the United States,” he adds in his special, “so small town queers—you know how terrified you were of being beaten up in your tiny, backwards-ass town? Yeah, multiply that by about a _thousand_ , and that’s Derry, Maine, population: 1500 and at least one serial killer. _That we went to school with._ ”

Shockingly, that’s true enough: in 1989, Henry Bowers, the town bully and a classmate of Tozier’s, was arrested for murdering his father, two of his friends, and multiple children who’d recently gone missing, such as Betty Ripsom, whose underwear was found in Bowers’ bedroom. He was sent to Juniper Hill Asylum for the Criminally Insane, only to break out nearly three decades later to restart his killing spree. This spree, too, came to a quick and ignominious end, after Tozier—yes, the very same Richie Tozier this article is about—killed him in defending a friend from joining Bowers’ long list of victims. “I can hold that over Mike’s head forever,” says Tozier in his special. “Whenever I need him to do a thing for me, all I gotta do is to call him up and say, _Hey, Mikey, remember when I saved your life from our serial killer classmate?_ And he’ll do it! Moral of the story: save your friends’ lives from serial killers, fellas. They’ll owe you for-fucking-ever.”

Derry has become somewhat notorious in true crime circles, ever since the much-publicized 2016 death of Adrian Mellon and the popularisation of the #JusticeForAdrian hashtag. Tozier and his husband, Edward Kaspbrak, have both tweeted under the hashtag about the pitfalls of growing up queer in Derry, and Tozier’s special makes no attempt to hide these pitfalls. Indeed, he illuminates and expands on the points brought up in his tweets, speaking at length not only about Mellon, but also about his own experiences with homophobia in Derry. Some of his anecdotes are chillingly, sadly familiar to queer audience members—while not every small town had a juvenile serial killer, many of them do have incidents of homophobic bullying that have led to tragic consequences, whether as final as death or as lasting as PTSD and depression. Tozier treats these subjects with a surprising poignancy that I had not realized he was capable of, given his past specials pre-coming out.

However, as dark as the subject material can get, Tozier makes sure to remind us that even in Derry, there are bright spots to take refuge in, good memories that stand out all the more amidst all the bad ones. He tells stories about his friends and the gang they all formed, better known as the Losers’ Club, and their shenanigans throughout their teenaged years. The best parts of the special though, in my opinion, is when he talks about his husband, to whom he has been “practically married since I was sixteen”. And it shows, not only in the veritable treasure trove of stories he has about Edward Kaspbrak—easily forty percent of the special is dedicated to Kaspbrak’s various attributes, physical and otherwise—but the affection with which Tozier tells them. It’s the kind of affection you only see when two people have been happily married for a very long time, a sweetly comfortable affection that they wear when they speak of each other, like a well-worn sweater that keeps them warm.

You can see just how much of a relief it is for Tozier to finally be able to talk about his husband, every time he does an interview or a routine. In this special, it shines through in his body language—he’s more relaxed than in previous specials, looser in his movements, far more dynamic. His anecdotes ring truer and more relatable now, emotions coming through like a church bell ringing through the fog. This is most evident in the story he tells of one of the first mixtapes he made for his husband. (Yes, a proper _mixtape_ , which just goes to show the depths of a teenaged Tozier’s devotion to the boy he would one day marry.)

“At thirteen, I was convinced I would be the World’s Greatest DJ,” he tells the audience, leaning in as if imparting a great secret. “I’m going to be a music god, and this boy, the apple of my bespectacled eye, thinks shitty late 80s top 40 pop is _it_. He’s my best friend. He has to have _taste_.” He runs down the list of artists loaded into this mixtape as he talks about Kaspbrak’s mediocre appreciation for each song, adopting an exaggerated version of so many personas with such speed that it’s a wonder you don’t get whiplash. (A highlight is his high-pitched Dolly Parton drawl, drawing laughter from the crowd.) It’s all to build up to his shock at Kaspbrak’s near- _obsession_ with Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover”.

“We’re fourteen years old, he’s my first crush, and the song he latches onto,” says Tozier, in tones of such dismay that you can _feel_ the adolescent disappointment rolling off him in waves, “instead of any of the pathetic sadsack pining songs, is the one that ends with the narrator just. Fucking _ghosting his girlfriend_ , the dick. _Get yourself free_ , wow, okay, stomp on my sad little heart some more, Eds, why dontcha.”

This bit also leads into Tozier showing off some surprisingly good singing, as he sings a Mad Libs version of “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” to close out his mixtape story: _There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother—stick it up her crack, Jack, try it with your man, Stan, you could use a big toy, Roy, let your dick be free._ Imagining little Richie Tozier following Eddie Kaspbrak around singing this song at the top of his lungs has been an unexpected source of happiness for me this past week.

Tozier’s special isn’t entirely perfect—he wanders off on quite a few tangents over the course of the show, and it’s easy to lose the thread of his rambling if you aren’t paying attention. And of course, his reliance on gross-out humor is still on full display. I’d really have liked some of his anecdotes better if he’d let them _breathe_ without stuffing a toilet joke in there somewhere, they’re funny enough on their own. But his special is, after years of suffering through his ghostwriters’ mediocrity, a step in the right direction.

Also, god damn it, I’ve still got that damn song stuck in my head.


End file.
